Welcome back, Patriots, to another edition of the “real news!” Today we are going to be talking about Magic Mike Johnson, the boring dude from Louisiana that lets us have the Evangelical vote. It has been discussed in the news recently that even if Supreme Leader Trump wants Mike Johnson to stay the Speaker of the House, it won’t happen. First of all, scoff! If Emperor Trump wants something, he will get it! Even if he has to have his Supreme Court underlings declare it law for him, it will happen. So, we can put that myth to rest right off the bat.
Now MAGAts, you may be thinking why do we want that boring-ass creep Michael to have power in the MAGA post-republic. Well the answer folks is in the votes he brings in, those weird Evangelicals. You know, the ones that the Libs thought King Trump’s wishy-washy stance on abortion would alienate? Mr. Mike keeps them right in our base. Let’s start with his absolutely not creepy masturbation app that he and his son have together, Covenant Eyes. Regular MAGAts out there may think that a father and son monitoring one another’s porn intake is weird and creepy. Who am I to tell the MAGAts that they’re wrong? Is it unhealthy for a father and son to have this much access and accountability in each other’s lives? A therapist would probably say yes, but does MAGA listen to science? Hell no! So, let’s let Big Mike have a pass on this one.
As our media is reporting, Mikey has public Republican support to continue on as Speaker of the House. Does this infer that he doesn’t have support behind the scenes? The Deep State Libs and the radical left would say yes, but much like science, do we listen to those Libs? Hell no! So we will go on assuming that his public support from the GOP (haha, GOP, like that exists anymore) is the same behind closed doors.
Those Deep-State operatives are pointing out everywhere that there are more than a couple of ways that Mike Johnson could lose his speakership. They are also trying to point out repeatedly how the poison pill that is the Motion to Vacate was created by us and is now a way that we continually shoot ourselves in the foot. Is this technically true? Yes. But c’mon, Kevin McCarthy was a tool and we couldn’t let him work with those Libs to actually pass laws! We’ve spent generations in congress trying to keep legislation of any kind from being passed! Well, except for tax cuts for wealthy people and corporations, that trickles down to the rest of you MAGAts! I hate to give the turtle any credit for anything anymore, but Mitch McConnell was called the grim-reaper of the senate for a good reason. He made sure that legislation died and reinforced the idea to millions of Americans that the Government doesn’t work for them! It doesn’t, and not just because we make it not work!
We went a bit off the rails there, back to Mike Johnson. What else is there to say? Not much. Really, he is a boring person. He is like white bread with white milk poured over it and then recorded in black and white. Just dull. So, before we fall asleep over here at The Faux News, let’s wrap up this article. Mike Johnson, dull, creepy, and the perfect MAGA tool. Enjoy the day, Patriots!
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