Welcome to the second inauguration day, Patriots. As the title of this entry today suggests, we here at The Faux News remember the feeling of this day from 2016. It is an overwhelming feeling that is hard to forget. So much joy. Not sadness or worry at the pit of our stomachs for what our country has become or will soon become. Today, the 47th president of the United States will take over power, and the things that he continues to “truth” about will become real, rather than just cosplay fantasy, so exciting.
As he was inaugurated, he talked about so many great plans that he has for the country. So many things that will bring us all together. Ending birthright citizenship and deporting as many people as he can. Hooray, people who have only known this country will be sent to a strange place they do not know, many of them children, and expected to thrive. Hooray. Not at all hypocritical when that is the way all white people gained their citizenship here. How about declaring an energy emergency despite our oil supply being at all time highs, now the price of gas won’t go down for other reasons, like price gouging, the actual reality. Hooray. We can hardly contain our excitement as we write all of this, folks. Ending the electric car “mandate,” why move forward when we can stay still? Hooray.
Trump says he will end the war in Ukraine now. How? Well, he’ll probably call his dictator friend Putin and say, “Okay, the American people fell for it, Biden is officially out, you don’t have to bully Ukraine anymore, just drop the bomb and take the country.” Real diplomacy. Now he can apply tariffs to our closest trade partners and allies, despite having admitted they will drive up prices for Americans and knowing they will alienate those friends closest to us. Why? Because it won’t drive up prices for the American Oligarchy, they’ll grow richer and pay for more things for Trump. That’s true friendship for people like them who are obviously not so sociopathic that they don’t understand what real friendship or love actually is. Hooray.
It’s time to get to the important policies that will untie our country, like only recognizing two genders. So important! What will bring people together more than discriminating against anyone who disagrees with them? Hooray. Let’s begin to rewrite history, too. January sixth 2021, a day that over 100 police officers were attacked, one lost his life, and the day our past form of government, Democracy, came under direct attack for the first time. Now, that was just a day of love for the sore loser who would rather destroy a country that he claims to love rather than admit that he lost. Are there generations of continued discrimination against all people who can’t trace their lineage back to the European continent? Not anymore. Let’s rewrite that as, “Those mean minorities bullying white people into feeling bad for our own actions, white racism.” Another policy to unite us all, hooray. America is really making Martin Luther King Jr.’s dreams come alive today.
Finally, now Trump will reinforce the number one priority of America, money. That’s what it’s all about folks. If you’ve ever been an American sitting around eating your hotdog and watching someone from another country practice their cultural ceremonies or festivities and wondering, “What is American culture?” Well, here is your answer, it is now too big to ignore, money. That’s it. The only thing that truly matters here, the real American dream. Come from nothing, be white, and get rich. Money talks, everything else can walk right back across the border. On that note TikTok will be reopened permanently, everyone will be so excited to livestream while the Chinese syphon our data, push suicide videos to American kids, and do whatever the hell they want right under our noses. Hooray. Let’s also keep out refugees, their lives may be in danger, but they cost money! All those social services, let’s cut those for anyone not here with documentation (they don’t get them now anyway, but who cares? Our base doesn’t know or care about that!), anyone not born here, and anyone that WAS born here while we’re at it. True Americans are rich Americans, so let’s cut taxes for them! Oh, and those social services, true Americans don’t need them because they are rich, they have the American dream; money.
The feelings that come out of those of us who see through the nonsense on this, the second inauguration day of Trump, are truly unspeakable. Such joy and undulation. No overwhelming senses of true fear and loathing. This is a beautiful day folks, in no way does it feel like the beginning of a new, dark regime. Today is totally like the celebration at the end of Star Wars episode VI, nothing like the takeover at the end of episode III. It’s like when the magical world goes back to normal at the end of the last Harry Potter book, not like when Voldemort takes control of everything and starts killing those who disagree with him and those who are different. We really need to celebrate today, Patriots. This is absolutely not the death of the America we all know, and definitely not a national day of mourning.
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